Closure

Everybody needs closure.  However, how do you have closure when you never truly could have closure?  Besides missing my Mama at times (as I don't really know how many times I "lost" her before officially finally and truly losing her).

Closure is one of the hardest things for me right now.

When Mama was alive, I was having to look into an interdiction.  I didn't want to look into an interdiction.  The reason for doing this was to protect her.   However, she never saw that.  She only thought that I was trying to be mean to her.  Of course, that wasn't true.  I didn't want my Mama to hurt herself or to hurt others.

I had only talked about putting the house and car and annuity all in my name because if she had lived, it would've taken five years for her to get medicaid.  Then she could've received more help than she was currently getting with her medicare and office of group of benefits.

How can I have closure when I can't talk to my Mama in a rational way?  I never could talk to her in a rational way for many months before she passed.  She didn't make sense.  Her speech didn't make sense.  Her words didn't make sense.  Perhaps it was even years before she passed that she didn't make sense.

I know that even when my Daddy was alive that she was getting dumber.  It was awful.  She couldn't remember "shaved ice" and kept saying that it was ice that was "whirred up."  Sadly, Daddy said "whirred up," too.

She would say words for things that just didn't make sense.  I could never figure out how she still managed to do crossword puzzles and other puzzles in GAMES.  However, as I am typing this, Briana is telling me that she is the one who would often correct them.  Mama made a bunch of mistakes.

Mama would keep the really old GAMES magazines, which was crazy, however, I can remember looking at them and seeing that she was smart before she was on those antidepressants.

I tried to teach her how to do logic puzzles, but she never seemed to actually get the concept.  I think I found one or two of them done correctly for a little bit, but then things didn't make sense.

I wish I could talk to her again.  I wish I could find a way to just tell her how much I love and loved her.  I wish she could've known that I wanted her to be safe.

She wanted to get out of the nursing home and I can understand that.  It is sad and gray in that place.  I would've loved to bring her to church.  However, I couldn't physically handle her.  She would've fallen all over.  I couldn't have put her in the car.  I couldn't have taken her out of the car.  I don't know how I could've done anything.

I feel bad now that I didn't go up to the ER when she was taken there.  Briana was there, but I wasn't.  I know I needed to take care of myself because so tired and needed rest.  However, I didn't know it would've been the last time that she may have actually been able to talk to me.

I do remember the last time that she talked to me.  She wasn't making sense.  Billie (I think that was the worker's name) was in her room with me.  Mama was going on and on about the house and the car and talking about me trying to take them away from her.  This was right after she took communion because Pastor Cook came and gave it to her.