Bad Dreams, Bad Thoughts, and Good Reminders

Last night, I had this dream that my mom was standing behind me as I slept in bed.  She was insisting that she was still "here."  I was praying that I wouldn't have more dreams like that, but that's another one of them.

I miss my real Mama.  It's sad because Nancy (the pastor's wife from St. Michael's) knew her when we first started coming to St. Michael's.  She was nothing like what she was in the few months before she passed.  What Nancy didn't know is that she still wasn't healthy then.  She hadn't started aspirating her food and water when we first started coming.  I don't know when that started.  However, she was doing it lots because she would be in the car and I'd tell her that it's not normal to have water drip from your nose after drinking water.  However, my Mama wouldn't go do the doctor for that.

Al-Anon helps me to remember that I did not have any control over my Mama or over the doctors.  The doctors should've listened to me, but they didn't.  I couldn't control that.  I definitely couldn't control what my Mama chose to do, even though much of it was not good for her.

For some reason, while sitting in the Sowela library while waiting for a fiction reading (and being Briana's extra credit - yes, seriously, I was her extra credit for her "bringing" me), I suddenly had the feeling of how strange it is to come home and not have my Mama in the house, even though I've come through the house doors many times since she has passed.

We got some frozen yogurt from Sweet Frog today because they have a special that if you wear green (yesterday, today, tomorrow), you can fill up a 12oz cup with as much as you'd like and only pay $4 for it.  While I was eating my frozen yogurt with all kinds of chocolate candy and magic shell on it (I didn't need it, but it was fun to do), I happened to look over at the register when some people were buying their yogurt.  It was some numbers that have seemed quite significant in my life lately.  I know that God and Jesus are there when these things happen. It's not just a coincidence like some people say.

I had to write myself some reminders tonight.  Even though I know these things, I often have to remind myself of them and writing them helps.

The first things I wrote:
I continuously pray for my back to get better, too. I believe God still works in healings and miracles. However, I don't doubt Him if my back is not healed. After all, God says that there are strengths in weaknesses. God's plans is bigger than what I'd like . . . and I don't know God's plan. It could coincide with what I'd like, too.

The second thing I wrote:
Sometimes I feel really bad that I don't feel called to go on mission trips to other countries. However, God reminds me that if everybody were called to do such a thing that those things would never get done because nobody would be back home organizing the trips and helping get things done. I've always loved behind the scenes in theater, so it is certainly something that I love for helping others get to go on mission trips. I have to remind myself that God values every single person and a behind-the-scenes person is just as important as those out front. Just like a theater production would never get produced without set builder, stage managers, assistants, and directors, God needs those people for His missions, too.